Have you ever looked at something and you knew it was out of kilter but you couldn't put your finger on it. And every time you looked at it, you were struck by how wrong it was but your brain just couldn't process it.
That's how today felt. Something was wrong and whenever I tried to face it head on it would vanish, but I could see it out of the corner of my eye.
I know memory is a tricky thing but the armed guard outside my room seems to tell me that whatever happened was intentional and bad. Well, that and the fact that I woke up in the middle of the night screaming-that's usually a good sign that what happened wasn't good.
Fr. Martin stopped by to see me, but as it is I'm still in the hospital for at least the next few days.
So, instead of observing Easter, I'm stuck being observed. At least the nurses are starting to complain to Dr. Shapiro about me. I'll take that as a good sign.
I remember almost everything leading up to the big blur, so I'll take that as a good sign.
I went to work, which was probably my first mistake. The CEO was waiting for me… he told me I was "a hard person to get a hold of…" but then again, he wouldn't leave a message so I never knew he was looking for me.
Now that everything is cleared up with KE, at least on paper, Arthur and his people still want to have their shindig, although now they're talking about making it smaller… just the 'attending medics' and their families sort of gathering.
The CEO pointed out that it would do a lot for my public image, of which I've never really cared about. Before I could say anything he pointed out that part of the job is PR and I needed to learn to play the game. It seems that if I can enhance our company image-we can get the magical support we need.
Another difference of opinion: I see that as black mail he calls it quid-pro-quo.
It's weird. I can remember the stats on the last patient I treated. I can remember my ending mileage from the last trip but the actual incident is still a blur.
Case keeps telling me not to worry and not to push it, but he's worried and so am I.
On the bright side, I got to go home tonight-although I didn't go home, home. I went to Council Island home, which is probably better and safer but sometimes… sometimes I want to be alone and that can't really happen here (which I guess was actually the idea)
I don't know which is worse, shadows of memories or the real thing.
It is both better than I feared and worse than thought. In the morning everything was still a blur… just a haunting feeling that something was looming over me. With mom and Michael watching over me, I started to relax and that's when it hit me.
I wasn't screaming this time at least. One minute I was sitting out in the garden staring at the geese, the next I was having trouble breathing as I remembered being tackled and as I fell all the pieces fell back into place.
The call came in around 17:30… I was about to head home, but it was the middle of rush hour-a standard motor call. I took the call so Dwight could go check on Hugh. By this time I've gotten used to being shadowed although I'm still very iffy about KE-or at least I was.
They ended up breaking the restraining order-but at the time they were actually trying to protect me, taking that into consideration no one's complaining.
I got to the scene… an overturned vehicle. I made sure that Lone Star had secured the scene-but who hides inside a trunk in an accident scene? I'd moved towards the injured driver and the next thing I knew someone body slammed me to the pavement and hit me with something …
I was paralyzed. I couldn't open my eyes, but I could hear and feel the person looming over me. I remember listening to him talk to someone-sub vocalizing… Then I felt the needle. It was agonizing but I couldn't move… I couldn't even scream.
Remembering that, I realized that my attacker didn't inject me with something… he took something... I'll need to check with Dr. Shapiro-but I think it was a marrow sample.
I told Case everything I remembered. It's not much but it is something.
Today, after mom and Trina verified that I was well enough, Case took me down to Lone Star's offices so they could take my statement. At least now I had something to state. It's still surreal for the most part but at least I know what happened.
The 'what' may help us figure out the 'who' and the 'why' but it's not going to be easy. Especially when you consider that the attacker either knew about our cameras and their placement or they were very, very lucky. They managed to stay off both the Bike cam and the helmet cam and they were gone before Marcus and Evans could get anyone nearby's attention
I don't know if it was healthy or not, but Case and I spent most of trip home trying to come up with plausible 'why's'. There are a lot of them and none of them are very comforting.
We all know that "What if.." is a game you can't win… and yet we are always more than willing to play it: "What if" and it's variant "If only…"
The more I remember the more I find myself playing those games, especially "If only." As soon as I start playing, things get all kinds of bad
"If only I'd checked the area before I focused on the driver." "If only one of the officers had stayed with me instead of going to direct traffic."
Those are bad enough, but when you start adding in "What if Marcus and Evans hadn't been following me?" "What if they'd been a little slower?"
By the time Case got home, I'd all but driven myself crazy with it.
"Jess?" He asked.
"Playing 'What if' and 'if only' " I explained with a sigh.
"And if Only."
When he still didn't quite get it, I shook me head. "If only I could keep myself from playing this stupid game…"
He tilted his head and winked. "If only I could distract you…"
"What if you tuck me in?"
Maybe there are ways to win these games… if only for a while
You know, for being on medical leave, I sure am spending a lot of time in the office. Not just my office mind you, no, I'm splitting my time between Citywide, Lone Star and the Marshal Service. Citywide is trying to figure out how to protect me that won't involve a padded cell, Lone Star is trying to find out the who and why of the attack-not to mention the 'are we going to get sued?' side question. The Marshal Service is still trying to decide if it's there case or not.
The only people I haven't heard from are KE. To be honest I'm surprised and pleased with the restraint they're showing. They even gave statements with all the involved parties.
I found out from Saunders that they had actually asked about my video feeds. They're learning.
Ray and Nathan are doing as well as can be expected with PT-although Ray got a taste of sweet just deserts... all his teasing about pencil stabbings… you know it was bound to happen.
Fortunately… it was at a hospital. I would have said something but sometimes even I know it's the wrong thing to do.
Today was a good day for getting even with Nathan. I figure Puck was a good enough 'payback' for all the ferret toys, but there was still the matter of testing out his new illusion spell on me, and this revenge was sweet, just not the way you'd expect.
I think it was something both of us needed.
I took him to the hospital this morning, which was interesting since he knew I was up to something but he was still in no shape for running away from me and he said as much.
When he found out what we were doing, he accepted it graciously and as I said-it was just what we needed. You should have seen the faces on the kids in pediatrics when I wheeled him in a wheelchair.
Okay, I wheeled him in, in a wheelchair, buried under a pile of stuffed ferret plush toys. (I kept the fighter pilot ferret and the paramedic ferret for myself but the others became get well soon presents). We handed them out and spent a lot of time with the kids.
Let's face it cheering folks up is a lot better than wallowing in your own troubles and even Nathan could live with this 'revenge'.
I still haven't told him about the retirement home…
Copyright 2010 M.T. Decker